Affair-Proof Your Marriage with Gary Neuman - Show Recap

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Oprah welcomed back relationship expert Gary Neuman to continue the discussion of why men cheat from the episode the week before. Oprah and Gary received thousands of responses from men who appreciated what Gary shared and women who were outraged by it. Voice clips were played to start the show expressing the feelings of many viewers of the episode last Thursday.

Oprah commented to Gary that many people felt the discussion placed the blame on the wife, including her best friends Gayle King. Gary replied by telling viewers 3 points: another book is on the way explaining why women cheat; he has a book that covers the emotional infidelity and responsibility of the husband; and the purpose of the book was to empower woman to get what they want in their relationship based on what they give and their insight as to why husbands cheat on their wives. Gary never intended the show to be a complete picture on infidelity in America.

A couple in the audience shared their story of infidelity and that the husband had called his wife and asked her to watch the show after he heard how true the dialog was. She watched and shared with Gary how she felt very heavy going into the show and came out of it feeling a little more beat up; like it was something she had done to cause her husband to stray. Gary sympathized with her situation and shared how the couple can make changes going forward with the information and that change was needed before the wife should consider becoming vulnerable in the marriage again.

Many viewers that responded to the previous episode shared how they thought cheating was all about the sex and disagreed with Gary's findings. Gary followed up by explaining how men are definitely having sex in many affairs, but that the lure into the affair to begin with was based on the feelings he received from the other woman. Through this discussion, Gary has never been referring to the 12% of men who will always cheat and not be willing to work on the relationship or change.

Oprah welcomed Aubrey via Skype to share her feelings on the information Gary provided. Aubrey explained that she had noticed signs in her marriage that Gary had discussed and she decided to talk to her husband. Aubrey took responsibility for her actions which made her husband open up about his feelings and how he was becoming vulnerable to temptation because of the lack of appreciation he was feeling at home.

Gary contributed that the information is helpful to start the discussion; to say to your spouse that something is not working, let's fix it before it gets worse.

A caller from the last show, Katherine, wanted more help from Gary so he talked to her and her husband to get more background on their issues. Katherine's husband Mark called in on the show and shared how he was in fact having cyber-sex and that the behavior started off and on in college and has lasted throughout his marriage. While Mark shared he didn't think he was addicted to the behavior, he couldn't explain why he was doing it. When Gary and Mike had talked before, Gary had noticed Mark's issue with having relationships with others - friends, etc. - and Mark commented he was working on that issue.

Oprah had a couple share their story of infidelity where the wife asked the husband to take a lie detector test after seeing last week's Oprah Show. The couple appeared on the show while clips of the test were shown to viewers. Fearing a serious affair, the wife had found emails in her husband's account from another woman but couldn't relax that it had not progressed to a sexual relationship.

The lie detector test asked 4 questions: did you have sex with the other woman; was oral sex performed; are you still in communication with the other woman; did you kiss on the lips? The husband passed the test.

Gary commented about lie detector tests that it gives the wife the knowledge to let go and move forward with the real work of mending what wasn't working in the relationship. Also, if a man will not take a test it is a sign that he is actually hiding something.

Gary shared that if infidelity has already occurred - since the book is somewhat about prevention - the husband needs to have remorse and sadness, understanding the pain the affair caused moving forward. It is also important to rebuild the connection by spending time together. Gary noted that the average couple spends just 12 minutes a day talking.

Gary gave a few clear actions to take to help affair proof a marriage. They included:

• Appreciate your spouse; not just the big contributions, but the small things as well.
• Have more frequent sex that is pleasurable for both partners.
• Have open conversations about the possible cheating behavior of close friends; statistically men cheated more when they had friends who also cheated.
• Be in tune to where affairs happen - at work and related to hobbies - as a partner, become involved in these aspects of your spouse's life.
• Have a date night at least once a month that is also free of conversation revolving around money, work/business or the kids. Have conversations like when you first started dating and these issues weren't relevant.