Original Air Date:
Friday, January 9, 2009
Live Your Best Intimate Life:
Oprah welcomed back sex and relationship therapist Dr. Laura Berman for the fifth and final day of the Best Life Week 2009. Calling the show Sex 101, Dr. Berman's goal was for couples to watch together to learn how to have their best love life, and best relationship possible.
Oprah commented that she is often surprised by how many people are not enjoying sex or being fulfilled by their intimate life. Dr. Berman additionally pointed out that passion and connection in a relationship is what separates couples from being roommates or co-parents.
Step #1 - Tell the Truth:
The first step to improve your intimate life is to start telling the truth to yourself and your partner. An important part of this step is to stop faking orgasms!
Oprah introduced Luanne, who at 45 has been married for 24 years and admits to never having a full orgasm. She emailed that she is ready to tell the truth to her husband and stop faking it; wanting to fix the problem and experience her full "orgasmic potential."
Dr. Berman met with Luanne and her husband Gerald for therapy where Luanne shared that she feels mentally blocked and not satisfied with sex; which she feels is a betrayal to her husband.
On the show, Gerald shared that his surprise at finding out turned to sorrow for his wife for not being able to experience pleasure.
Dr. Berman explained that every orgasm is different, and that each will vary in degree. If a woman can get aroused, but not can't have an orgasm, the problem is likely mental and not physical.
Step #1 Homework: The 14 question sex assessment.
Step #2 - Ask for What You Want:
Dr. Berman explained that many women don't ask their partner's for what they want because they don't understand their bodies or know how to ask. To help women who have difficulty verbalizing or directing their partners, Oprah introduced Michele and Greg.
Michele and Greg have been married for 11 years, but share that their sex life has slowed drastically from when they were first married. In a therapy session with Dr. Berman, Michele admitted that her libido is very low and she and Greg only have sex every couple months. To help Michele communicate about sex, Dr. Berman introduced the couple to a foreplay map.
The foreplay map has 2 body images - 1 for the back and 1 for the front - where each partner marks where they prefer to be touched, and the order they think their partner prefers to be touched. The couple then shares the map to open up the communication about what the other's needs.
Step #2 Homework: Complete the foreplay map.
Step #3 - Let Go:
When it comes to letting go during sex, Dr. Berman explained that many women have negative messages in their heads about sex being dirty or wrong. Dr. Berman suggests that women work to let go of these negative messages and replace them with positive sexual affirmations.
Footage from Dr. Berman's individual therapy session with Luanne was shown where they discussed Luanne's fear of pleasure. Luanne admitted to being afraid of pleasure because of being raised to think that sex is vulgar and only for having children.
Dr. Berman explained that Luanne has to let go of the negative messages in order to have an orgasm. Instead of letting the messages come through during sex, said Dr. Berman, Luanne should tell herself, "I deserve this pleasure. It is good and loving."
On the show Dr. Berman stated that women intellectually know that the negative messages shouldn't apply in their lives, but still hold on to the ideal of being a respectable woman. Replacing the messages with a positive mantra is a start for women to let go, such as, "I am a sensual woman. I deserve pleasure. This is good for my body, my soul and my relationship."
Dr. Berman also had an individual session with Michele to discuss her discomfort with sex. Michele explained that she feels if she asks for pleasure, she is no longer a "nice girl" - something she strongly identifies with. Anything other than traditional missionary position, even masturbation, is uncomfortable for Michele. Dr. Berman finally was able to break through with Michele when Michele revealed that her mother had been married 8 times - which was difficult for her to watch and experience. Michele vowed never to be like her mother, which has in turn gotten her stuck in her intimate life.
Dr. Berman brought along an item from the Berman Center Intimate Accessories line to share with viewers who may have the same struggles as Luanne or Michele. The Aphrodite, nicknamed the "sure thing" by clients, is a warming massager and external vibrator that comes with 3 different attachments.
Step #3 Homework:
- Keep a sex journal - write down negative messages or positive affirmations
- Become comfortable with sexuality - take a class in pole dancing or cardio strip
- Try something new - try a new position, sex toy or place
Step #4 - See the Doctor:
During Michele and Greg's session, the couple talked to Dr. Berman about Michele's pain during sex and the problems it has caused them. Michele shared that she hadn't been interested in having sex due to pain and discomfort during intercourse, and the urinary tract infection she would get afterwards. Experiencing dryness and using a lubricant to help, Dr. Berman explained to Michele that she was just covering the problem, but not solving it. Michele, 39, had a hysterectomy but kept her ovaries - a condition that Dr. Berman told Michele could be affecting her estrogen levels and causing her dryness. Michele was thrilled to hear that there could be a real solution to her problem.
Hormone Affecting Medications:
- Birth control pills
- Antihistimes
- Antidepressants
- Antihypertensives
- Anticancer
- Sedatives
Step #5 - Make Your Sex Life a Priority:
It is important for couples in long term relationships to schedule sex, according to Dr. Berman, and make it a priority. Many people have the misconception that sex should happen spontaneously - which does happen early in relationships, but that feeling will wear off in time. Oprah questioned if scheduling sex would take the excitement out of it, but Dr. Berman assured that couples come to anticipate the time and even prepare for it by doing something special throughout the day.
Oprah introduced Charla and Brad via Skype from North Carolina to discuss their unconventional story. Charla had a creative idea for putting sex back on their priority list - by giving Brad 365 days of intimacy for his 40th birthday. Charla described how their entire relationship changed and was the most transforming year of their marriage. After the year was complete in July of 2007, the couple promised each other to not let their intimate life move backwards. The story of Charla and Brad can be found in the book 365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy.
Step #5 Homework:
- Commit to a weekly sex night - or do other intimate play until medical issues are resolved
- Give your bedroom a sexual makeover - the bedroom is for sleeping and sex only: no TV, work, or kids stuff in the room. Create a sensual and sexual haven for you and your partner.