Original Air Date:
Monday, November 3, 2008
Sex Therapy with Dr. Laura Berman:
With more than 50% of men and women claiming that they are unsatisfied with their sex lives and 40 million couples living in sexless marriages, Oprah welcomed Dr. Laura Berman to the show to help viewers with a sort of group sex therapy.
Dr. Berman began by sharing how people aren't taught how to have sex or even talk about sex and think it should be a natural thing that couples know how to do. We need to fine tune things, according to Dr. Berman. Many women feel that if they just find the right man, their sexual selves will open up and it will suddenly be the way it's meant to, but that is not the case.Sex Therapy with Dr. Laura Berman - Benefits:
Sex therapy, Dr. Berman clarified for Oprah, is talk therapy; she is not in the bedroom with couples teaching them how to have sex. Sex therapists are first couples therapists and work on both aspects of the relationship.
Dr. Berman pointed out the benefits to having more sex - which like Dr. Oz regularly mentions on the show is good, loving sex - which include a boost to the immune system, reducing stress, decreasing insomnia, and helping with pain.
Many couples may not be getting the benefits of sex because men and women climax at such different rates - men take 5-10 minutes while women need 15-20 minutes.
Sex Therapy with Dr. Laura Berman - Debra and Tom:
Husband and wife, Debra and Tom, met with Dr. Berman for sex therapy which was taped for a Showtime Network program and played for Oprah Show viewers. Deb and Tom were also in the audience to respond to their footage and what they were thinking going through therapy. Deb and Tom attended therapy at the Berman Center in Chicago. Married for 19 years and raising 2 children, the couple shared that their sex life had been reduced to zero; though Debra stated that she could live without sex altogether.
Sex Therapy with Dr. Laura Berman - Debra and Tom Open Up:
During the session, Dr. Berman was interested in why Debra could live without sex completely; Debra shared that she has lost sensation in her genetalia. Dr. Berman expressed her concern that Debra could be experiencing hormone issues or blood flow problems and that she could potentially be peri-menopausal; she recommended Deb get tests done.
On the show, Debra responded to the therapy clip saying that with working and raising kids, sex just felt like another thing to add to the list of things to do. She restated that she really was fine with not having sex and had forgotten how long it had actually been.
After getting tested it was revealed that Debra was in fact peri-menopausal; which happens to many women in their late 30s to early 40s. Being peri-menopausal means that the hormone changes can have a drastic affect on a woman's libido. The drop in estrogen and testosterone is just one piece of a woman's loss of desire. Besides hormones just affecting sex drive, they can also affect a woman's overall zest for life.
Sex Therapy with Dr. Laura Berman - Fantasy:
Back in therapy with Debra and Tom, Dr. Berman discussed the idea of fantasy with the couple. With the highest level of trust and support, having couples act out fantasies can help to revitalize their sex life. Debra revealed that her fantasy, along with 60% of women, is to be dominated; while Tom shared that he fantasizes about Debra being with other men with him watching. Just talking about fantasies can be freeing for couples, even if they never act them out - a way to release inhibitions and share something that has never been shared before.
Dr. Berman gave the couple an assignment to visit an erotica shop to look for props and possibly make a purchase to try out at home.
Dr. Berman shared on the show that many women fantasize about being dominated because they are so in control in their lives that the fantasy gives them a way to let go without feeling guilty, because they have been taken or forced.
There are rules to sharing fantasies according to Dr. Berman. When couples agree to open up and share a fantasy with their partner, it needs to be a safety zone, free of criticism and judgment.
Sex Therapy with Dr. Berman - Control:
On the show Dr. Berman explained how many women are in control of their households which can lead to infantilizing husbands and demasculating them by ordering them around and treating them like another child in the house. This act makes women less attracted to their husbands and makes sex less appealing; plus, men hate to be treated like children and have their power taken away.
Back in therapy, to help Debra with her control issues, Dr. Berman had the couple go on a surrender date - where Tom was in control of all aspects of the date including what Debra wore and where they went - it was hard, but they succeeded.
Sex Therapy with Dr. Laura Berman - Arousal:
In therapy, Dr. Berman discussed with Debra her use of a vibrator and how successful she was with letting go of some of her inhibitions. Debra bravely shared that after purchasing the vibrator at the erotica shop, she used it on herself while Tom watched and was overwhelmed that her body still worked and that she was able to climax. The fact that many women are uninformed about their own bodies, leads them to be unsatisfied with the sex they are having because they don't know what they actually want.
Sex Therapy with Dr. Laura Berman - Anatomy:
Dr. Berman informed viewers how many women are unaware that there are 3 types of orgasms: clitoral, which is easiest to achieve; vaginal, which is internal by g-spot stimulation; and blended, or a combination of both at the same time.
To show viewers, since a majority of women have never examined their own genetalia, Dr. Berman walked through an anatomy lesson of the external and internal female genitals. The external genetalia, or the vulva is different from the internal opening, or the vagina. Dr. Berman explained how crucial it is for women to understand their own bodies, what arouses them, and to use the proper terms for each part. To find the g-spot internally, Dr. Berman had to explain that women must enter the vaginal opening themselves to be able to feel the tissue difference and know what it is they are trying to achieve sexually with a partner. If women are uncomfortable with this, Dr. Berman suggests that women first work on their comfort with their own body and sexuality in order to fully share it with another.
Sex Therapy with Dr. Laura Berman - Homework:
To close out the show, Dr. Berman assigned homework for viewers to start amping up their sex lives. But first, she stressed the importance of kissing and how it is a great place to start revitalizing intimacy in a couple. Dr. Berman recommends that couples kiss for the sake of kissing - for intimacy and sensuality, and not just to lead to sex. Kissing is really the key to a woman's exotic template and it needs to be re-introduced into relationships, according to Dr. Berman.
For the homework assignment, Dr. Berman suggested that women #1: kiss their partner for at least 10 seconds once a day, and #2: take a handheld mirror and examine their vulva to identify the parts. Dr. Berman stressed that women take pleasure into their own hands, stating that if you can't love and be comfortable with yourself, how can he.
