Original Air Date:
Friday, November 21, 2008
More Sex Therapy - Pleasure:
Dr. Laura Berman returned to the Oprah Show to answer more viewer questions and reveal more details of what it's like being in sex therapy.
Dr. Berman started by saying that women need to be able to enjoy sex to the fullest - that it's not just about pleasure, but about having a full and happy life; and sex is part of that. Many women see sex as an obligation to their husbands, but are starting to open up to their sensual side and are interested in being pleasured. Being able to change and not feel shamed, but feel entitled to pleasure is the first step.
More Sex Therapy - Shawn and Kerrie:
Shawn and Kerrie went to Dr. Berman for sex therapy at her center in Chicago which was aired on Showtime - the couple has been married for 13 years and has 2 children. In the clip, Kerrie and Shawn shared that they are both unsatisfied with their sex life as it's routine and just another task to be completed. Shawn complained that Kerrie doesn't initiate sex or seduce him; if he wants it, he has to ask for it. Kerrie isn't happy that only she performs oral sex - this is due to the fact that Shawn watched the birth of their daughter and hasn't felt the same about Kerrie's genitals since.
Dr. Berman assigned the couple homework; a "visual assessment" where Shawn had to view Kerrie's vulva. At the next therapy session, Shawn pointed out that Kerrie's embarrassment made him uncomfortable looking, while Kerrie felt that Shawn's half-hearted attempt to look made her embarrassed.
On the show, Dr. Berman expressed that husbands should stay at a mother's side, but up near her shoulders and not watch the birth because it really changes the way they see their wives. Shawn and Kerrie's children are 15 and 12, and even after that many years he is still uncomfortable with his wife.
Dr. Berman discussed that many women are uncomfortable about the look and smell of their vulva, but that the vagina and eyes are the only 2 parts of the body that are self-cleaning. Being confident with your body translates into being 6 times more satisfied with sex - the confidence transfers to your partner as well. Since women are givers, according to Dr. Berman, it is difficult for them to lie back and receive pleasure, to relax enough to be satisfied.
More Sex Therapy - Marcus and Tamika:
Marcus and Tamika have been married for 4 years and decided to go to sex therapy with Dr. Berman. The couple began their talk with Dr. Berman by describing how Marcus' sex drive is overwhelming for Tamika - while he wants sex 4-5 times a week, she's happy with it once a month. At the start of therapy they were having sex once a week, though Tamika often withholds sex to get what she wants, making Marcus earn it.
Tamika described how she had grown up with a difficult life and created a fantasy in her head. When the fantasy she wanted didn't work out perfectly, she became resentful and unhappy.
On the show, Dr. Berman addressed how when Marcus didn't live up to the fantasy, Tamika saw him as a failure and deliberately denied him sex, unwilling to trust or connect with him. Tamika shared that she didn't feel that Marcus was worthy and only gave him sex in rations when he earned it. Dr. Berman explained that sex is a gift couples give to each other, and it's hard to do when you're not connected. Men helping and contributing to the household is a form of foreplay for women - women want more sex when they feel a romance or connection and men feel more connected with more sex - they are related.
In therapy, Marcus and Tamika discussed their trust issues - she had always been the one to leave relationships but was still afraid that Marcus would give up on her and Marcus feared that she would leave him as well. Dr. Berman had the couple do a trapeze activity in Chicago that really tested Tamika's trust for Marcus. It was obvious in the video how strongly she had to feel the trust for him to believe that he would hold on and not let her fall. Afterwards, the couple went to dinner and discussed the experience. Tamika shared with Marcus that during the exercise she felt a new confidence in him.
Back on the show, Tamika shared how therapy was life changing for her - she started to look at love differently, realizing that the relationship isn't just about her, her trust in Marcus grew and the quality of their sex improved.
Tamika also shared how she started a sex journal of exactly when the couple had sex and the circumstances of the day. She explained how is showed her their love language for each other - Tamika wanted help and Marcus wanted to feel a physical connection.
More Sex Therapy - Totally Disconnected? Where to Start:
Oprah asked what couples can start doing at home to help a relationship that is completely disconnected - Dr. Berman responded that a couple at that point really needs to get back to basics. Her recommendation for couples is to first get undressed, and touch each other sensually for 10 minutes. It is important at this stage to avoid anything sexual, to just touch your partner's body. Working your way up to more physical things to build up the sex connection again.
More Sex Therapy - Teaching Our Children About Their Bodies:
A viewer asked Dr. Berman her advice on teaching children about their bodies, sex and pleasure. Dr. Berman suggested starting to use the proper names for body parts at an early age and introducing the sex into the conversation at around the 5th grade. Dr. Berman mentioned teaching children about sex as a source of joy, pleasure and passion - not just as a means to the end, to get a guy or get pregnant. Teaching girls to love and respect their bodies will help them to be more selective on who they share their bodies with. Keeping the conversation open, being available for questions and staying judgment free will help kids feel comfortable talking about these topics.
More Sex Therapy - When A Man Is Doing It Wrong:
A viewer asked how to address a partner when they are doing something wrong. Dr. Berman advised not to fake enjoyment or an orgasm if you are not enjoying the experience because it sets up a lie. Dr. Berman calls faking an orgasm a "mercy fake" because many women will do it to get the experience over with and have it end. It's important for men to learn that women don't have an orgasm every time and that an orgasm can differ in intensity each time. If your partner is sensitive about the subject, Dr. Berman recommends talking about it outside of the bedroom and framing the discussion in a positive way - "I love it when you..." - "This is how I like to be touched..."
