Original Air Date:
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Talking to Your Kids About Sex with Dr. Laura Berman:
After showing a clip from Dr. Berman's first episode on talking to kids about sex to open the episode, messages were played from viewers responding to Dr. Berman's advice. While many parents were supportive of the idea of talking to kids about the pleasure of sexuality, many other parents were outraged that it would even be suggested.
Dr. Berman then reiterated that her message is not about encouraging kids to have sex, but about setting the foundation for their sexual enjoyment and overall heath as an adult.
Dr. Berman shared that many mothers are uncomfortable with the thought of talking to their children, especially daughters, about self stimulation and sexual response because they themselves feel shamed, guilty and embarrassed about the idea themselves. The bottom line of Dr. Berman's advice is to empower girls and boys to see their body and a gift and empower them to take control and have ownership over their own sexual response and decisions.
A Concerned Mother - Masturbation and Young Children:
Vista from CA asked Dr. Berman via Skype how to handle her 4 year-old daughter masturbating. Dr. Berman assured Vista that her daughter's behavior was totally normal and is a way that some children soothe themselves. Responding to the behavior can be an opportunity to talk about self stimulation, keeping some parts private, not touching others' private parts, not allowing others to touch or see the child's private parts, and the ability for the child to talk to the parents if any of those things concern them.
Talking to Young Teens About Being Ready to Have Sex:
While many parents stick to STDs and pregnancy prevention when talking about sex, Dr. Berman feels that a balance of safety and pleasure should be the goal for conversations with kids.
Oprah introduced viewers to Pierce and Courtney, a 14 year-old couple who have been together for 3 months and say they are ready to have sex. The couple admit to doing everything sexual together besides having intercourse, and said they loved each other and were ready to take it to the next level. Pierce's mom Lisa and Courtney's mom Beth shared their concern about the situation with each other and asked for help.
On the show the moms filled in that Lisa had bought Pierce a box of condoms, not to give him permission, but to let him know that she understood and wanted him to be safe if he made the decision to move forward physically with his girlfriend. Beth shared that she didn't know about the condoms initially, and they made her feel like Lisa wasn't being completely honest about the situation and wasn't on the same page with her. Both mothers did make it clear on the show that neither of them wanted their kids to go through with having sex, but that they looked at how to handle things differently.
Questions to Ask Your Teens About Sex:
After commending them on their respect and connection with each other, Dr. Berman moved forward with asking Courtney and Pierce difficult questions about their relationship to see if they were truly ready to have sex.
Why Do You Want to Have Sex?:
Dr. Berman first asked the teens why they wanted to have sex; why it wash important for them to have sex now. Pierce and Courtney both stated that they loved each other, that they felt they were ready, and that they wanted their first time to be with someone that they cared about for it to be special.
The Emotional Changes of Being Sexually Active:
Dr. Berman asked the pair what would happen after they had sex; how long they planned to stay together. Having a clear conversation about expectations of sexual activity and the intentions of the relationship are important, says Dr. Berman, to making the decision to move forward with someone. When Dr. Berman asked the teens how long they wanted to be together, they both answered that they would like to stay together for a long time. When Dr. Berman asked how long that was, Pierce shared that for him a long time is 6 months to a year. Courtney seemed very surprised by his answer.
When asked if she still wanted to go through with having sex with Pierce for her first time if he only wanted to be together for 6 months, Courtney replied that she was starting to have second thoughts. Dr. Berman explained that the emotions and hormones of a young teenager can be so intense that they see a long time meaning forever. This scenario creates very different intentions going into a sexual encounter and is the reason teens should talk about these issues before moving forward. Trying to prevent regret with love, Dr. Berman shared that teens should really consider the future before making decisions.
Birth Control, Pregnancy and STDs:
Dr. Berman moved on to ask the teens a series of questions about birth control, pregnancy and STDs. She asked Pierce and Courtney if they knew how to use a condom properly, if they had a plan for a second form of birth control, and what their plans would be if Courtney were to become pregnant. Having the conversation about these issues with teens earlier is a good idea so that they will be prepared once the hormones and feelings increase making it more difficult for them to make good choices. Dr. Berman recommends that teens are given information and tested for STDs if necessary.
Is It Possible to Have too Much Information?:
Dr. Berman stressed to Beth and Lisa that it was important to give their children all of the information they could, explain why the information is important, and to let their children know that they aren't supportive of their choice to have sex, but that they want them to be aware and informed.
Gayle King Shares:
Gayle King returned via Skype to share her thoughts on the subject, as she tends to be more conservative on the topic of teaching sex to kids. Gayle shared her feeling that a teen wanting or feeling ready to have sex doesn't make it OK. Oprah wanted to get through to Gayle that times have changed and the thought of 14 year-olds having sex is very realistic and should be addressed responsibly instead of pretending like it's not happening. Dr. Berman commented that it is a common fear among parents that giving information is a form of permission, which is not the case.
Dr. Berman wants parents to look at the conversation on the show as an example of how to have a calm discussion with your kids where they feel free to ask questions knowing that they will be listened to and supported.